Lazy Summer Afternoon

Does it get much better than this?

The thermometer on our back porch reads 90 degrees. The fan is going full speed above my head. Brynn is at a friends farm playing with rabbits, goats, ducks, chickens and, so I am told, trying to stay away from the skunk family! Iann has filled up the red wagon with the hose, and is happily splashing in the water.

Life is good.

There will always be a hole, a part of me that wonders 'What would Alex be doing right now?'  Brynn and I had a deep discussion the other day about all the fun things Alex is doing in heaven - riding a bike down heaven's Main Street, eating a bright red snow cone without worrying about the side effects of red dye #40, playing hide and seek with Jesus. That is what Alex is doing right now.

Teasing Time

Here are 2 video's that show exactly what life is like with my two boys these days. They spend a large part of their day wrestling, teasing and playing with each other. For all the refereeing I need to do, it makes me so very happy to see them starting to interact so well,

Parenting 101 - only say it if you mean it

Due to our super crazy weekend, and staying up late to see the fireworks, Brynn's behavior has been, well, lets just say, a little challenging. He never does well when he's tired, and I don't do well with a crying fit in response to anything I ask him to do, or say no to! So, things have been a  little tense around here.

In the midst of a MAJOR meltdown the other day, with Brynn yelling at Jon, Jon attempting to keep his cool, Iann crying outside the bedroom door and me wondering how we reached this point, I was so frustrated with Brynn I said "Due to this behavior there will be no friends for the next week!"

There, take that little, tired 6 year old boy! Ha!

But, wait a minute, that means I won't get to hang out with my friends, and we'll be stuck home all week by ourselves. Um, can I take that back??

Not so much.

I almost did this morning though. My good friends were going up to Kids Plex in Junction and I was all ready to go, until Jon reminded me of my wonderful 'no friends all week' statement. I talked myself into believing that it wouldn't be a big deal if I broke my word, and laid out my expectations for Brynn: 'yes Mum' and 'no Mum' were acceptable, 'but Mum' would mean we're heading home, any crying/meltdowns etc meant the same thing. He was very contrite, and gave me lots of 'yes Mum's.'

Until I told him to go to the bathroom so I could clip his nails.

Another huge meltdown, screaming fit. My poor friend was able to hear it all when I called to say we weren't coming. It only took Brynn about 15 minutes to calm down and accept that we weren't going, and then peace returned.

But, was I really going to stay home all day? Me, the girl who loves going places???

Last August I bought our annual pass for the Children's Museum, but was only able to use it a few times before it grew clear that Iann did NOT like going there. He would cling to me, stand at the door crying, etc. I really thought I had wasted the $ and considered asking for it back.

Due to my procrastinating personality, I have many great ideas with very little follow through and so, never having returned it, a few months ago we tried the museum again and he liked it. Yay for procrastination :) Although we were usually the first ones to leave when we met our friends there for play dates and lunch, it became another place to go.

In my need to get out and about, I took the boys there this morning. Usually we go with our friends so Brynn is off with the big kids and Iann either keeps tabs on his group or plays by himself. With no other kids to play with today, my boys (almost) played together! Iann spent much of the morning following Brynn around, and seemed to want to be just where Brynn was, even though he didn't understand everything Brynn was doing. It was great to see them interacting, and Brynn was (mostly) very patient with his little brother. Here are a few highlights:

    Take 1: Brynn is looking

                                  Take 2: No one is looking

    Take 3: Iann is off ...















Brynn at the Lego table

                          Iann watching Brynn play with the Lego's

       Both boys playing with Lego's
















The moral of the story? Only tell your kids things that you can, and will, follow through with ... and then find creative ways to continue life while honoring your outbursts :)

A month in the life of Brynn

Wow, has it really been a month since I last posted??? Sometimes it gets to be so long, that I feel there is too much to catch up on, so I wait even longer! Isn't that the life of a procrastinator? Well, that's certainly my way!

So, Brynn's last month in a nutshell. Most of what's been going on is summer fun. Brynn has been well behaved for the most part, however it does get rough for him to make himself scarce when Iann has therapists in the house. However, his friend loaned him the Lego batman Wii game, and that has helped, during the hour a day he's allowed to play!!

Brynn has also had loads of fun too. Jon's dad, Papa Bear, drove up for the weekend, for their annual camping trip to Buckhorn Lake, the weekend before July 4th. Here are a few pic's Jon sent me from his phone:

 Slingshot practice

 Cuddling with Papa Bear

Brynn caught his first fish on that camping trip - he baited, cast and reeled it in all by himself :) Unfortunately I have no picture of this pivotal moment in my son's life ;)

Our 4th of July weekend was super busy. Since Jon now works in the mail room, he has weekend and holiday's off - our first, real 3 day holiday weekend! On Saturday morning we drove up to Ridgeway Resivor to have breakfast with our good friends L & K, who had camped their the previous night. They cooked a great 'camp' breakfast - eggs, sausage and pancakes! Yummy.

Jon and I then took our boys and their daughter to the beach area and watched them paddle for a few hours. Such a wonderful summer outing. We did things around the house the rest of the day, then Jon and I went to a 60's themed party in the evening. See my facebook page for pictures! Was very fun!

Sunday was a busy day too. Iann has had a runny nose for about a week now, so we didn't want to expose other kids to his germs at church. Instead we biked down to Buckley park, about 16 blocks downhill from our house. A friend has loaned us their bike trailer, and Iann loves going for rides in it. The kids played for a while, then we went to visit our old neighbors, 2 doors down from our old house. He is our mailman, so sees the kids often, but his wife hasn't seen Brynn in at least a year. Boy was she impressed at how much he's grown. Shot up is more like it! The ride back uphill to our house went well, with Brynn only starting to complain when we were within sight of home :)

After nap time we went over to a friends house to swim. Jon had not yet made it over there with us and he loved seeing Brynn swimming all over the place, even doing flips off the diving board. 

After swimming, we went to my parents for a horse ride and BBQ:

After that ... we went home and straight to bed!!!

On the actual 4th itself, we went to our small town parade:

 Hot, patriotic Iann :)

We then went up to Cimaron with my parents, and their 2 four wheelers. For those of you who know the area, we parked the trailer at the bottom of Middle Fork, and rode all the way up to the river. Brynn sat in between my parents on one ATV, while Iann sat in front of Jon and I on the other. Both boys LOVED being up there, and it since it threatened to rain the whole time, it was nice and cool!

Lastly, Mum and I took Brynn to see the fireworks. After waiting in the field for an hour, and trying to keep Brynn occupied and content, the fireworks finally began. This was the first time Brynn has seen fireworks that go up into the sky, but after 5 minutes he was ready for the next thing. Mum and I spent the next 20 mins trying to keep him still, and then finally decided to leave early. In actual fact, 30 mins of very similar fireworks was a little too much for me too. 

And now you are caught up on Brynn's last month. A report on Iann will come soon :)

Quick update

You know when you get to that stage when you are so tired you start going crazy??? My fellow office ladies here at the Howard Davidson Insurance Agency agree I might be getting there ... Iann fianlly fell asleep at 3:30am. I woke Jon up at 3am to help my get some Benedryl into the little one, becasue I needed sleep. As intelligent hubby pointed out, I should have given it to him at 11:45pm when he first woke up. He has slept so well since getting his adenoids removed, and when he has woken up has gone back to sleep within 45 mins, that I didn't think I needed too.  I slept until 7:45am, Iann until 8:15am.

Next time, Benedryl it will be.

Oh, and I just found out the Dr appt I thought Iann had on Wed afternoon is this afternoon. Slap bang in the middle of nap time. So no zzzzzz's for me. Iann might sleep in the car. Or he might not. Sigh. Good thing he is so darn cute!!!!!! Oh, and that smile first thing in the morning ....

A 1:20 am ramble ...

Iann is crying in his crib. For the second time tonight. I turned my light off close to 11pm, but my mind was racing and I couldn't fall asleep. Full of what will come from Iann's IEP meeting on Tuesday. Will the school district people listen to my concern's about him going to preschool? Will they provide him with the services he needs? Will he be OK in preschool? Will I be OK with him in preschool?

When Iann started crying around 11:45, I gave him some time to see if he'd resettle himself. He usually does. Tonight, however, he was really crying by midnight. Not hysterical, mad cries. He was sobbing, weeping. In the past I've found that he isn't totally awake when he's doing this and if I go in to move him in his crib, that act is enough to resettle him. So I picked him up and put him down facing the other direction in his crib, and walked out. He was settled by 12:15am, and I was back in bed soon thereafter.

But I still couldn't sleep. I was thinking about church this morning. Jon's schedule changed for the summer, and he is now off on Saturday and Sunday, allowing us to go to church together regularly, for the first time in over 3 years.

For the past few weeks we have gone to the church where we used to go before Alex passed away. When we check the kids in they get a name tag with their names and number printed on it. Our number is 348, or something close to that. Remember, it's now 1:40am!!! Anyway, we get a label with 348.1 to take with us, reminding us of our number in case we get called out for one of the kids. Brynn's number is 348.2 and Iann is 348.4.  It struck me that Alex must have been 348.3 and I got all caught up in wondering if his name is still in the computer database. Number 348.3 will never get printed again, never be used again.

The sermon was about idols gaining a hold in our lives when 'the good becomes a God.' The pastor used examples like hobbies, hunting, work, money. When a person's good hobby becomes his God it divides his joy, heart and purpose away from God. Not that we shouldn't have hobbies, but when a person can't feel joy when unable to partake in her hobby, then it's become an idol. Fair enough.

How about grief? Grief cuts huge holes in my joy, my heart and my purpose. These day's I'm not struggling with grief over losing Alex, that pain will always be with me, but it has started to reach a low, pulsing level that is almost tolerable. Not acceptable, tolerable.

No, this season's grief is for what I thought life would be like after losing Alex. Us wanting another child to love, a brother for Brynn to play with. Iann is certainly both of those things, and yet not in the way we imagined.

Forty-five minutes after settling the first time, Iann started crying again. I was still awake, so once again I gave him time to resettle himself, but he didn't. I got up to move him in his crib again, but it wasn't the same quick answer this time. That was fifty-six minutes ago and he is just starting to have periods of quiet amidst his singing/whining, indicating he is - maybe - falling asleep.

As he is lying in bed making noises, I wonder what is keeping him awake. I am kept awake some nights because my thoughts are racing, for him I'm told it's more because his body is racing. His sensory system has a hard time regulating itself and slowing down. In light of this Iann's OT has got the ball rolling for his early intervention program to buy him a weighted blanket. I don't expect him to lie still and fall asleep with it on him, instead I plan to go in and cover him with it once he's asleep. Or, at times like right now when I hope it'll help his body slow down and let him fall asleep.

A friend who has a 6 yr old with autism, says he can now tell her that his body feels funny, feels too fast, and that he needs his weighted blanket to help it slow down.

I love that little boy with all of my heart. But life with a special needs kiddo was not something I imagined. Losing a baby is not what I imagined. It's certainly not all bad - we went to my parent's for a BBQ this evening and he happily played with car's and stickle-bricks on the deck all evening. Not actually building with the stickle-bricks, mind you, more just moving them from one place to another, but he was content. Last night, we had friends over here, and he did great following their 3 kids and Brynn around. Well, for the most part. He did have periods of fussing every so often, but settled down after we'd all eaten. I get fussy when I'm hungry too :)

Anyway, life is what it is. This is my life. I am generally content - give Iann water to play in, give Brynn a project or a friend and my boys are happy. Sometimes, however, it all weighs a little heavy. And being awake at 2am doesn't help! Iann is still making noises sporadically, but is quiet enough that I might be able to fall asleep now. Hopefully, getting my thoughts out in this blog will help my mind settle too.

Wordless Wednesday