You know when you get to that stage when you are so tired you start going crazy??? My fellow office ladies here at the Howard Davidson Insurance Agency agree I might be getting there ... Iann fianlly fell asleep at 3:30am. I woke Jon up at 3am to help my get some Benedryl into the little one, becasue I needed sleep. As intelligent hubby pointed out, I should have given it to him at 11:45pm when he first woke up. He has slept so well since getting his adenoids removed, and when he has woken up has gone back to sleep within 45 mins, that I didn't think I needed too. I slept until 7:45am, Iann until 8:15am.
Next time, Benedryl it will be.
Oh, and I just found out the Dr appt I thought Iann had on Wed afternoon is this afternoon. Slap bang in the middle of nap time. So no zzzzzz's for me. Iann might sleep in the car. Or he might not. Sigh. Good thing he is so darn cute!!!!!! Oh, and that smile first thing in the morning ....
Monday, June 13, 2011
A 1:20 am ramble ...
Iann is crying in his crib. For the second time tonight. I turned my light off close to 11pm, but my mind was racing and I couldn't fall asleep. Full of what will come from Iann's IEP meeting on Tuesday. Will the school district people listen to my concern's about him going to preschool? Will they provide him with the services he needs? Will he be OK in preschool? Will I be OK with him in preschool?
When Iann started crying around 11:45, I gave him some time to see if he'd resettle himself. He usually does. Tonight, however, he was really crying by midnight. Not hysterical, mad cries. He was sobbing, weeping. In the past I've found that he isn't totally awake when he's doing this and if I go in to move him in his crib, that act is enough to resettle him. So I picked him up and put him down facing the other direction in his crib, and walked out. He was settled by 12:15am, and I was back in bed soon thereafter.
But I still couldn't sleep. I was thinking about church this morning. Jon's schedule changed for the summer, and he is now off on Saturday and Sunday, allowing us to go to church together regularly, for the first time in over 3 years.
For the past few weeks we have gone to the church where we used to go before Alex passed away. When we check the kids in they get a name tag with their names and number printed on it. Our number is 348, or something close to that. Remember, it's now 1:40am!!! Anyway, we get a label with 348.1 to take with us, reminding us of our number in case we get called out for one of the kids. Brynn's number is 348.2 and Iann is 348.4. It struck me that Alex must have been 348.3 and I got all caught up in wondering if his name is still in the computer database. Number 348.3 will never get printed again, never be used again.
The sermon was about idols gaining a hold in our lives when 'the good becomes a God.' The pastor used examples like hobbies, hunting, work, money. When a person's good hobby becomes his God it divides his joy, heart and purpose away from God. Not that we shouldn't have hobbies, but when a person can't feel joy when unable to partake in her hobby, then it's become an idol. Fair enough.
How about grief? Grief cuts huge holes in my joy, my heart and my purpose. These day's I'm not struggling with grief over losing Alex, that pain will always be with me, but it has started to reach a low, pulsing level that is almost tolerable. Not acceptable, tolerable.
No, this season's grief is for what I thought life would be like after losing Alex. Us wanting another child to love, a brother for Brynn to play with. Iann is certainly both of those things, and yet not in the way we imagined.
Forty-five minutes after settling the first time, Iann started crying again. I was still awake, so once again I gave him time to resettle himself, but he didn't. I got up to move him in his crib again, but it wasn't the same quick answer this time. That was fifty-six minutes ago and he is just starting to have periods of quiet amidst his singing/whining, indicating he is - maybe - falling asleep.
As he is lying in bed making noises, I wonder what is keeping him awake. I am kept awake some nights because my thoughts are racing, for him I'm told it's more because his body is racing. His sensory system has a hard time regulating itself and slowing down. In light of this Iann's OT has got the ball rolling for his early intervention program to buy him a weighted blanket. I don't expect him to lie still and fall asleep with it on him, instead I plan to go in and cover him with it once he's asleep. Or, at times like right now when I hope it'll help his body slow down and let him fall asleep.
A friend who has a 6 yr old with autism, says he can now tell her that his body feels funny, feels too fast, and that he needs his weighted blanket to help it slow down.
I love that little boy with all of my heart. But life with a special needs kiddo was not something I imagined. Losing a baby is not what I imagined. It's certainly not all bad - we went to my parent's for a BBQ this evening and he happily played with car's and stickle-bricks on the deck all evening. Not actually building with the stickle-bricks, mind you, more just moving them from one place to another, but he was content. Last night, we had friends over here, and he did great following their 3 kids and Brynn around. Well, for the most part. He did have periods of fussing every so often, but settled down after we'd all eaten. I get fussy when I'm hungry too :)
Anyway, life is what it is. This is my life. I am generally content - give Iann water to play in, give Brynn a project or a friend and my boys are happy. Sometimes, however, it all weighs a little heavy. And being awake at 2am doesn't help! Iann is still making noises sporadically, but is quiet enough that I might be able to fall asleep now. Hopefully, getting my thoughts out in this blog will help my mind settle too.
When Iann started crying around 11:45, I gave him some time to see if he'd resettle himself. He usually does. Tonight, however, he was really crying by midnight. Not hysterical, mad cries. He was sobbing, weeping. In the past I've found that he isn't totally awake when he's doing this and if I go in to move him in his crib, that act is enough to resettle him. So I picked him up and put him down facing the other direction in his crib, and walked out. He was settled by 12:15am, and I was back in bed soon thereafter.
But I still couldn't sleep. I was thinking about church this morning. Jon's schedule changed for the summer, and he is now off on Saturday and Sunday, allowing us to go to church together regularly, for the first time in over 3 years.
For the past few weeks we have gone to the church where we used to go before Alex passed away. When we check the kids in they get a name tag with their names and number printed on it. Our number is 348, or something close to that. Remember, it's now 1:40am!!! Anyway, we get a label with 348.1 to take with us, reminding us of our number in case we get called out for one of the kids. Brynn's number is 348.2 and Iann is 348.4. It struck me that Alex must have been 348.3 and I got all caught up in wondering if his name is still in the computer database. Number 348.3 will never get printed again, never be used again.
The sermon was about idols gaining a hold in our lives when 'the good becomes a God.' The pastor used examples like hobbies, hunting, work, money. When a person's good hobby becomes his God it divides his joy, heart and purpose away from God. Not that we shouldn't have hobbies, but when a person can't feel joy when unable to partake in her hobby, then it's become an idol. Fair enough.
How about grief? Grief cuts huge holes in my joy, my heart and my purpose. These day's I'm not struggling with grief over losing Alex, that pain will always be with me, but it has started to reach a low, pulsing level that is almost tolerable. Not acceptable, tolerable.
No, this season's grief is for what I thought life would be like after losing Alex. Us wanting another child to love, a brother for Brynn to play with. Iann is certainly both of those things, and yet not in the way we imagined.
Forty-five minutes after settling the first time, Iann started crying again. I was still awake, so once again I gave him time to resettle himself, but he didn't. I got up to move him in his crib again, but it wasn't the same quick answer this time. That was fifty-six minutes ago and he is just starting to have periods of quiet amidst his singing/whining, indicating he is - maybe - falling asleep.
As he is lying in bed making noises, I wonder what is keeping him awake. I am kept awake some nights because my thoughts are racing, for him I'm told it's more because his body is racing. His sensory system has a hard time regulating itself and slowing down. In light of this Iann's OT has got the ball rolling for his early intervention program to buy him a weighted blanket. I don't expect him to lie still and fall asleep with it on him, instead I plan to go in and cover him with it once he's asleep. Or, at times like right now when I hope it'll help his body slow down and let him fall asleep.
A friend who has a 6 yr old with autism, says he can now tell her that his body feels funny, feels too fast, and that he needs his weighted blanket to help it slow down.
I love that little boy with all of my heart. But life with a special needs kiddo was not something I imagined. Losing a baby is not what I imagined. It's certainly not all bad - we went to my parent's for a BBQ this evening and he happily played with car's and stickle-bricks on the deck all evening. Not actually building with the stickle-bricks, mind you, more just moving them from one place to another, but he was content. Last night, we had friends over here, and he did great following their 3 kids and Brynn around. Well, for the most part. He did have periods of fussing every so often, but settled down after we'd all eaten. I get fussy when I'm hungry too :)
Anyway, life is what it is. This is my life. I am generally content - give Iann water to play in, give Brynn a project or a friend and my boys are happy. Sometimes, however, it all weighs a little heavy. And being awake at 2am doesn't help! Iann is still making noises sporadically, but is quiet enough that I might be able to fall asleep now. Hopefully, getting my thoughts out in this blog will help my mind settle too.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Brynn's Kindergarten Graduation
In the world where I grew up, a person graduates from high school, college and grad school. In this world, kids graduate from Kindergarten! Actually, I have heard that some kiddos graduate from pre-school. Wowsers!!
Anyway Brynn had a graduation ceremony last Tuesday: his Kindergarten graduation. In his world, it's totally normal to have a graduation ceremony after one year of school. On the day of his ceremony he went with my mum to run an errand: mum was helping a friend set up for her daughters graduation party. When Brynn found out where they were headed, he said "Oh, she must have just graduated from kindergarten too." Um, no sweetie. From high school. Tee hee hee.
So each child had to recite a bible verse after receiving their diploma from the administrator, and then Brynn's other responsibility was to say the Benediction. We worked on his prayer and he memorized it, with a few hours to spare. He did great: he remembered his bible verse, said his prayer very eloquently, and sat still for 35 mins!!!
Here are some of the best of the 50 pics dad took:
Anyway Brynn had a graduation ceremony last Tuesday: his Kindergarten graduation. In his world, it's totally normal to have a graduation ceremony after one year of school. On the day of his ceremony he went with my mum to run an errand: mum was helping a friend set up for her daughters graduation party. When Brynn found out where they were headed, he said "Oh, she must have just graduated from kindergarten too." Um, no sweetie. From high school. Tee hee hee.
So each child had to recite a bible verse after receiving their diploma from the administrator, and then Brynn's other responsibility was to say the Benediction. We worked on his prayer and he memorized it, with a few hours to spare. He did great: he remembered his bible verse, said his prayer very eloquently, and sat still for 35 mins!!!
Here are some of the best of the 50 pics dad took:
Receiving his diploma
Reciting his bible verse
Closing the service in prayer
Mama's little graduate :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Alex's guardian
Dad and Jon went for a hike this afternoon, down into the canyon off the BLM bordering my parents land. They started off at the point where we spread Alex's ashes, hiking all the way to the canyon bed below. Later in the summer the canyon will by dry, but today there was a raging river flowing.
After spreading the ashes, Jon and I wanted to do something to commemorate the spot. Neither of us wanted to put in a bench, or anything really noticeable. We decided to find a small statue and so this little guy sits on the edge of the canyon:
At one point the summer after Alex passed away we brought the statue back to my car, because we wanted to see about getting it cast in bronze, or something like that. After leaving it in the trunk for a while, we decided to take it back out there.
Brynn was with us; he has known that we go to the canyon to think about baby Alex, but doesn't know the true significance of the place. We'll tell him when he's older. He knew I was carrying the statue and watched me place it back under the tree. As we all started to walk away, he absolutely lost it. Turns out he thought we were leaving a little boy under the tree, and so, in his 3 yr old mind, we'd leave him there one day too. Needless to say I carried it back to the car, and Jon took it back another time.
Since then Jon has taken Brynn out there a number of times, but never pointed out the statue to him. It's well enough hidden that Brynn's not seen it. I showed him this picture today, and he recognized the statue. His face got all worried, and I could see him remembering the above event! I gently told him that we leave the statue out there to help us remember Alex. He digested this peice of information, then moved onto the next thing in his day!
I don't go out to the canyon very often. Partly because I don't make the time to - when I go out to mum and dad's I like to relax if Iann is happy! Also, it's down right hard for me to there. To tie Alex down to one place. I feel like I should cry, or rage, or have some deep emotion when I go there. However, I just feel empty. Numb. I suppose that is an emotion.
After spreading the ashes, Jon and I wanted to do something to commemorate the spot. Neither of us wanted to put in a bench, or anything really noticeable. We decided to find a small statue and so this little guy sits on the edge of the canyon:
At one point the summer after Alex passed away we brought the statue back to my car, because we wanted to see about getting it cast in bronze, or something like that. After leaving it in the trunk for a while, we decided to take it back out there.
Brynn was with us; he has known that we go to the canyon to think about baby Alex, but doesn't know the true significance of the place. We'll tell him when he's older. He knew I was carrying the statue and watched me place it back under the tree. As we all started to walk away, he absolutely lost it. Turns out he thought we were leaving a little boy under the tree, and so, in his 3 yr old mind, we'd leave him there one day too. Needless to say I carried it back to the car, and Jon took it back another time.
Since then Jon has taken Brynn out there a number of times, but never pointed out the statue to him. It's well enough hidden that Brynn's not seen it. I showed him this picture today, and he recognized the statue. His face got all worried, and I could see him remembering the above event! I gently told him that we leave the statue out there to help us remember Alex. He digested this peice of information, then moved onto the next thing in his day!
I don't go out to the canyon very often. Partly because I don't make the time to - when I go out to mum and dad's I like to relax if Iann is happy! Also, it's down right hard for me to there. To tie Alex down to one place. I feel like I should cry, or rage, or have some deep emotion when I go there. However, I just feel empty. Numb. I suppose that is an emotion.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Dancing Lessons
This morning Jon took Iann over to his friends house, where he was watching his two kiddos. This little girl enjoys playing with Iann, and I think the feeling is mutual!
I'm not too sure that Iann fully understood what was happening, but Jon said he wasn't unhappy about it :)
(Sorry for the poor quality, Jon's cell doesn't take the best movie's)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Reflections on Temple Grandin
A week ago today, at this very moment in fact, Jon and I were sitting in the Palm Theater in Telluride listening to Temple Grandin. If you don't know who she is, let me tell you in a few short words. Temple Grandin is a Professor at CSU, has designed over half the meat packing plants in the US, and has autism. If you would like to learn more about her life, Claire Danes starred in a very good HBO movie, playing the character of Temple Grandin, called Thinking in Pictures. Jon and I watched it shortly after receiving Iann's diagnosis and really enjoyed it.
On one hand, listening to Temple speak to a crowded auditorium was inspiring: she didn't talk until she was 3 years old and has traditionally struggled to make eye contact. On the other hand, it was overwhelming because she is very much a lady with autism. She is opinionated, and convinced that she is right with her opinions, and she repeated much of her message many times.
Her two main points were that children with autism need to be taught manners and given a chance to succeed in the areas where they are strongest. She was clearly unimpressed with parents who excuse their child's behaviors due to his/her autism. She was taught manners by her mother, and believes that all children be taught them.
In the same way, at the age of 13, her mother got her a job as a seamstress twice a week, and by age 15 she was in charge on 9 horses at her aunt's ranch during the summer. She stressed many times that all children, both those with and without autism, should be made to take on a job as a young teenager, even if it just walking the neighbors dog every day. This teaches them very important skills, that will help them for the rest of their lives.
It was encouraging to see a women who was given all the chances her mother could provide be such a success, and yet ... she is still, and always will be autistic.
My main take away was to never give up on our belief that Iann will one day not only talk, but will be a productive member of our world. Jon and I are committed to teaching Iann how to be part of our family and part of our community. We will help him be the best young man that he can, and will watch him carefully to see where his strengths are, and will then help him excell in that area.
Any help and support that anyone else is able to give us - prayer, ideas, listening ears, time to spend engaging Iann - is always welcome :) He is a joy to be around, but, to be perfectly honest, it can be a tiring and sometimes thankless job that we need a short break from! Going to Telluride overnight was a wonderful break, the first time that we have left Iann overnight since he came home. While I did miss my two little boys that night, going to sleep without wondering if I will get to sleep all night, and not having to wake up for anything, was bliss!!!
On one hand, listening to Temple speak to a crowded auditorium was inspiring: she didn't talk until she was 3 years old and has traditionally struggled to make eye contact. On the other hand, it was overwhelming because she is very much a lady with autism. She is opinionated, and convinced that she is right with her opinions, and she repeated much of her message many times.
Her two main points were that children with autism need to be taught manners and given a chance to succeed in the areas where they are strongest. She was clearly unimpressed with parents who excuse their child's behaviors due to his/her autism. She was taught manners by her mother, and believes that all children be taught them.
In the same way, at the age of 13, her mother got her a job as a seamstress twice a week, and by age 15 she was in charge on 9 horses at her aunt's ranch during the summer. She stressed many times that all children, both those with and without autism, should be made to take on a job as a young teenager, even if it just walking the neighbors dog every day. This teaches them very important skills, that will help them for the rest of their lives.
It was encouraging to see a women who was given all the chances her mother could provide be such a success, and yet ... she is still, and always will be autistic.
My main take away was to never give up on our belief that Iann will one day not only talk, but will be a productive member of our world. Jon and I are committed to teaching Iann how to be part of our family and part of our community. We will help him be the best young man that he can, and will watch him carefully to see where his strengths are, and will then help him excell in that area.
Any help and support that anyone else is able to give us - prayer, ideas, listening ears, time to spend engaging Iann - is always welcome :) He is a joy to be around, but, to be perfectly honest, it can be a tiring and sometimes thankless job that we need a short break from! Going to Telluride overnight was a wonderful break, the first time that we have left Iann overnight since he came home. While I did miss my two little boys that night, going to sleep without wondering if I will get to sleep all night, and not having to wake up for anything, was bliss!!!
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