All about Brynn

One of my jobs as a mother is keeping things even between my 2 boys. I feel like I blog about Iann a lot, so here is one all about Brynn :)

On Friday night Brynn took his third karate test to become a two stripe yellow belt.

He was one of 3 boys going for the same belt, and was at least 3 years younger than the other two. I took a video of him doing his kata, but can't get it sent off my phone b/c it's too big. I think he did really well, but we don't find out until the end of the month if he passed this level or not.

Then there was the day last week when he turned the hose onto what will be the vegetable garden and turned into a mud monster:

This afternoon my dad took him up to a friends ranch, to help feed the lambs. Dad said he did this at about Brynn's age, and remembers laughing and giggling the whole time ... just like Brynn did :)

He really looks like I did at that age!!

Poor girls. There's going to be some broken hearts one day!!!

Hungry lamb sucking his thumb until the bottle arrived!

Can't you just hear him giggling????

I love this little man so deeply it is sometimes frightening.

Good night world

There are times when I think about putting the boys in separate rooms, and for good reasons: we have the space, I wouldn't worry that going in to resettle Iann in the middle of the night - or early morning to get him up - will wake up Brynn, and more. And then Jon goes to make sure Brynn has turned the light off and snaps these sweet pictures. I think they belong together ...

This picture of Iann also serves to remind me of what a sweet, innocent little boy he is.

The last few weeks have been REALLY hard with him, but he doesn't mean to get out of control. He doesn't do it on purpose, his body just goes a little haywire sometimes. We weathered this storm last summer, when the same thing happened and I think we are seeing the laughing tantrums rear their ugly heads less often: only one major one today. And, nothing at bath time.

You may be asking what is the deal with laughing? Well, it's not funny laughing, it's 'my body feels out of control, so I'll laugh,' which turns into kicking, headbutting, terrorizing the dog etc. Thankfully, he isn't actually being aggressive with this; the kicking and headbutting are things that give his body input and sometimes we get in the way while helping him calm down.

So we try to give him input in other ways: Jon set up our trampoline, I am giving him big hugs and squeezes all day and doing some other OT type things. Also, his behavior therapist has really seen some of his doozies in the last few weeks and has helped us learn how to deal with them and calm him down, or even stop them before he escalates.

It isn't easy. This is one of the times when I don't think life is easy.

See, during calm periods - which we tend to have more of than not - I secretly think my life is easy compared to others: a friend with a 7 yr old and twin 3 yr olds, or my sister-in-law with twin 2 yrs old and a newborn! But then we move into one of these cycles and I take it all back.

This is hard.

But, this is the life God has for me and, as Jon's Nana likes to say, "This too shall pass ..."

Spring fever? More like spring flu!

In the words of Dr Meo to Brynn last Wednesday "You haven't been here all winter, and now you the spring flu & an ear infection & crazy eyes???"

That sums up the last 2 weeks around here:

I started it: went to bed on a Tuesday afternoon and slept for 30 of the next 36 hrs. My body ached. I was sweating and shivering. The light from my phone's screen was too bright.

Iann spiked a fever on Friday afternoon; it was up to 104 by early Sunday morning. I was sort of paralyzed - another son with 104 temp on a Sunday morning, and it was too early to call anyone. There was NO WAY I was taking him into the ER, way too deja vu, so I called my sister in England who talked me into a calmer state.

Iann stayed home from preschool on Monday, and Brynn had a fever when I picked him up from school that day. Iann went to school Tuesday but was worn out when he got home. Both boys were on the couch on Wednesday, Iann back to school Thurs, and both on Friday.

The child who can't sit still was lying around and super cuddly all week

Brynn's flu took hold of his eyes: the left first, then the right. 

I am happy to report that they are both doing great now. Just went down to see what they were doing. This sums it up:

Crunching the Numbers God's Way

What do you get when you cross a CO State Corrections Officer with a stay-at-home-mum, who works aprox. 11hrs a week?  Oh yeah, and throw in a special needs child? A financial journey that only God can make add up :) 

We were able to afford to adopt Iann in large part from a very unexpected inheritance. We didn't ask anyone for help (apart from plane tickets from our parents), we did no fundraisers or things like that. I think those are all great ways to fund an adoption. but not what we chose. To make up the difference we took out a small loan, that we paid off last summer with the adoption tax credit.

What we didn't take into account, what we couldn't have taken into account, was the cost of raising a child with Fragile X Syndrome, autism and hearing loss. 

Sure, we have insurance. The State provides it's employees with pretty good, but costly, insurance. Most of our co-payments for Iann's therapy are $50 a pop, one is as low as $30. There is a state insurance program that we financially qualify for,  that would cost us about $20 a year in premiums and $5 a therapy session, however the children of state employee's are not eligible. Catch 22.

When Iann was diagnosed, we immediately got him on the wait list for 2 medicaid waivers - one for kids with autism, one for kids with long-term care needs. Medicaid will pay what our primary insurance doesn't - co-pay's, deductibles, etc. The wait list for them both is 2-3 years.

For the first year of this journey, my dad pretty much underwrote Iann's needs. Now, he supports us by paying me to work in his insurance company. We swallowed our pride and approached our church, and received a very generous check that helped for a few months. Then, we got a chunk when we sold Jon's car. Now, that money has almost all been used up.

Some of you may think that I am being too transparent with all this, wondering where I am going? Give me a paragraph or two and I'll get there.

In our almost 10 years of marriage, God has always provided means for us to pay our bills. Many people are still loosing their houses, having their utilities turned off, etc. We are nowhere near to experiencing that.  And I realize that we are lucky not to be. Jon has a steady job, from which he will never be fired. Again, we are lucky there too.

So, yes. I am worried about how we'll meet Iann's monthly needs when the money from Jon's car runs out. It would be dishonest for me to pretend otherwise. And yes, there is more to our financial situation than just Iann - Jon's back and my multiple surgeries in the last few years are still things we're paying on. Along with one or two things we probably shouldn't have bought.

Bottom line: there have been months when I don't see how all the bills got paid. I do a budget at the start of the month, and we sometimes don't have enough coming in, to cover what needs to go out. But, somehow we do. I don't go back and check every little thing at the end of each month, I just thank God for whatever happened and move onto the next one.

One of my biggest worries lately has been our tithing. We just flat out don't have enough money to tithe the expected 10%, or really anywhere close to that. There have been times when we did, but not since God gave us Iann.

And there's the point.

I truly believe God plans out who are kids will be. Of all the Korean boys born in August 2008 who were put up for adoption, God earmarked Iann for us. I truly believe that. Now, let's not get into what would have happened if Alex hadn't passed away, because I can't go there. He did and so we adopted Iann.  God could have placed him in the family of a lawyer, or Dr. or architect.

But he gave him to us.

I believe that every time we pay for a therapy, a sedated hearing test, a Dr's visit because of another cold/sinus infection, another set of tubes in his ears, another set of braces for his ankles, etc. etc. etc. we are giving back to God. After all, what else is a tithe but giving back to God some of what he gave to us?

Brynn's 7th b'day party

Yep, we did a McDonald's birthday party. Brynn wanted to take 2 buddies to Grand Junction and go to Chuck-E-Cheese, but then had a hard time picking just two friends! So this was the other option - took NO work on my part, which was a-ok with me!

A little 3am perspective

For those of you who have read my posts from the start of this blog, you will remember that I frequently used to post in the wee hours of the morning, while Iann was awake in his crib. Due to a wonderful pediatrician, who realized that this mama was close to breaking point from 2 yrs worth of lost sleep, Iann now gets a little medicine to help him sleep all night. It's not perfect, and he still has nights when he's up, but they are few and far between.

Last night, it was Brynn up at 3:30am with a bad dream. He settled very quickly, while I laid in bed awake. I'm not sure that I fell back to sleep again until after Jon got up to go to work at 5am.

What kept me awake?

1) I started thinking about how my legs were aching. Worrying that I had overdone the 5k training, and so was going to be too tired and sore to finish Saturday's race without walking. I stretched my muscles, trying to find a sleeping position where they didn't ache quite so much.

2) I was also worrying about the race track, which I think is dirt, and how that would be adversely affected by the snow.

3) As for my lenten discipline of clearing out a bag a day from my house, in order to make it a place of beauty, reflecting God's beauty, I was worrying that yesterday's bag didn't 'count.' I was given some clothes, and passed along those that didn't work for me, so was passing along a bag I had just received within the guidelines?

I finally fell asleep, dragging myself up at 6:45 to rouse the kiddos and get ready for school. Rush, rush, rush. Iann didn't like his breakfast this morning, so the whining level was high, which grinds on my tired nerves. Brynn's birthday party is after school today (he's 7 tomorrow!!!!) and so he couldn't focus at all this morning.  We got out the door in time, with the dishes still on the table, and the kids were both dropped of just in time.

Driving home I was changing mental gears into work mode - I have set aside this morning to do my editing work for Disciple Nations Alliance. Then I walked into my messy, dirty kitchen and knew that I wouldn't be able to settle to work with that mess around me. So I decided to clean it up.

As I was doing this I recalled an excellent thing I heard on KLOVE yesterday. The lady was talking about how we often choose to limit our children to one activity at a time, with maybe an instrument also. That allows our kids time to focus on their main job right now: being kids and going to school.

Brynn is super tired these days because he has been skiing every weekend, as well as doing karate 3 times a week, and Jon and I realize that will need to change next winter. For most of the year, however, Brynn's one thing is karate. 'I'm doing well with that,' I thought as I listened to her.

My thoughts drifted as she then asked if the adults in the family do that: do we limit ourselves to one thing at a time? 

That concept slammed home as I was cleaning this morning. Here I am exhausted because I was awake worrying about a 5k race tomorrow, stressing to get the breakfast dishes cleaned up so it doesn't eat into my work time, wondering what my bag will be today and when I'll have time to fill it.

So here is the challenge people: what is your one activity?

For those of us in charge of our households, and maybe working one, or two, side jobs to help pay the bills, what is our one extra thing? Do we have time for one extra thing?

For me, at this point in time, it is running to get healthy and loose weight. If I don't do the race tomorrow because the weather is bad, that's ok. There will be another race, and if not, I'm down 6lbs already so my ultimate goal is working. I don't want running to take over from keeping my house clean and being awake enough to be patient with Iann's whining and focus on my work.

And as for my lenten discipline, there are no rules written down that I am following. A bag into the house, then straight out is fine. It's more the spirit of what I am doing that counts. Already there are areas in the house that show more beauty than they have for the 3 years we've been here, and that is the beauty God see's.

What is your one extra thing? Have you limited yourself as we limit our kids?

The "R" word

It has been over 3 months since I wrote anything here! There have been MANY nights I have written great blogs in my head when I've laid awake listening to Iann babble in his bed ... but then I eventually fall asleep, and when I wake up the craziness of my day begins.

I will do better. I have many pictures that I want to share, plus next Friday makrs four years since Alex passed away, and he was meant to be the focus of this thing in the first place.

But for now, I want to ask you what is your 'R' word?

Today mine is repent. I repent of all the times that I have said something along the lines of "Dude, that is so retarded," or "she is such a retard."  And of the times when I have thrust my tongue into my lower lip and hit my chest with the side of my hand in the universal 'retard' sign. I repent of the times when I saw a child in a wheelchair, or walking around, flapping his/her hands, drooling, and making odd noises, and thinking, 'that kid must be a retard,' AND WALKING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.  Did I think I would catch something????

Why am I so hyped up about this today?

Two recent experiences: I came across the comment "Why are people so retarded?" the other day. (If the lovely lady who made the comment happens to read this, please forgive my ranting, but also try to understand where I come from now.) Second, a friend of mine with a special needs child told me how her Zumba class was ruined today, when the lady in front of her turned around and did the 'retard' sign. Signifying that a women with enough brain power to do a Zumba routine thought she was a retard. Maybe she missed a step?  Shock, horror, shudder.

I also repent of the times when I've heard people say "Oh, having a special needs child is hard, but I love him/her and wouldn't change my life at all," and I've thought, "What a lier, she's just saying that to look good."

Why am I saying all this??

Because my youngest son has Fragile X Syndrome. If you go to the leading website on the syndrome you are hit with this first sentence: "The most common cause of inherited intellectual disability..." (Intellectual disability is the term that now replaces "retarded.")

Because my child is the one who is flapping, drooling and making noises in the grocery store. And no, you won't catch something from him :) Apart from maybe a huge smile and a high five.

Because I truly wouldn't change the way our lives are, and I do truly love him. Sure, there are days when I wonder if I can keep going. When I wonder what the future will be like. When I daydream about what life was like before we went to Korea and brought home this child. But, I can't imagine life without him.

So, maybe my 'R' word for today is 'rant.' What is yours?